The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®



Life’s Official Rules

All things are subject to fixed laws.
Marcus Manilius, Astronomica, I, c 40 B.C.
Natural laws have no pity.
Long’s 22nd Note, from Robert A. Heinlein’s Time
Enough for Love

Baker’s Law – Misery no longer wants company. Nowadays it insists upon it.
(Columnist Russell Baker)

Baldy’s Law – Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
(From the collections assembled by Charles Wolf, Jr. of the RAND Corp.)

Barnett’s Laws of Driving – (1) You can get anywhere in 10 minutes if you go fast enough.
(2) Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired speed limit. (3) The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are. (4) This lane ends in 500 feet.
(From John L. Shelton, President, Sigma Beta Communications, Inc., Dallas, Texas)

Bartz’s Law of Hokey Horsepuckery – The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
(Wayne R. Bartz in his article ‘Keys to Success,’ Human Behavior.)

Baruch’s Rule for Determining Old Age – Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
(Bernard M. Baruch)

Beardsley’s Warning to Lawyers – Beware of and eschew (avoid) pompous prolixity (verbosity.)
(Charles A. Beardsley, the late president of the American Bar Association)

Beauregard’s Law – When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
(Uttered by Henry Fonda in the role of Jack Beauregard in the film, My Name is Nobody)

Becker’s Law – It’s much harder to find a job than to keep one. A corollary applies to industry as well as government . . . once a person has been hired, inertia sets in and the employer would rather settle for the current employee’s incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.
(Jules Becker of Becker and Co., San Francisco)

Belle’s Constant – The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6. [Further, this constant] is useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight-hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available) with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.
(Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle)

Benchley’s Distinction – There may be said to be two classes of people in the world, those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.
(Robert Benchley)

Bennett’s Beatitudes – (1) Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living. (2) Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
(W.C. Bennett, Trinity Avenue Presbyterian Church, Durham, NC.)

Berkeley’s Laws – (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one.
(6) An exception TESTS a rule, it NEVER PROVES it.
(7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it – it probably isn’t right.
(8) Check the answer you have worked out once more . . . before you tell anybody. (Edmund C. Berkley, a “common sense” researcher and former editor of Computers and Automation.)

Berra’s Law – You can observe a lot just by watching.
(Yogi Berra, Hall of Fame New York Yankee catcher)

Berson’s Corollary of Inverse Distances – The farther away from the entrance of the market, (theater, or any other given location) that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
(Judith deMille Berson, Silver Spring, MD)

Bicycle Law – All bicycles weight 50 pounds.
A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock.
A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock.
A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock and chain.
(Schneiker/Townsend/Logg,, collection , University of Arizona

Billings’ Law – Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do it.
(19th century American Humorist Josh Billings)

Blanchard’s Newspaper Obituary Law – If you want you name spelled wrong, die.
( Al Blanchard, Washington bureau chief for The Detroit News)

Bok’s Law – If you think education is expensive – try ignorance.
(Derek Bok, president, Harvard University.)

Bolton’s Law of Ascending Budgets – Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
(Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute)